Day nr.1

Hello it's the number one I'm sitting by the sea and I'm not knowing what to do next everything is foggy because past few months it's crazy I don't know what to do why I'm doing things I'm doing and for what I'm just checking out the boxes and let's get so tired that I don't want anything else to do I don't want to wake up go to work do the things I have to do because in the end of the day I feel I haven't done anything I haven't done so many things like 10 12 20 even things today at work at home but in the end of the day I didn't feel like I was doing something for myself just doing it because I have to do usually it starts off like a good project right idea just do it and yeah it will be fun and great thing to do all right we are doing it but when you finally have to do it either way it's a Time pushing you to do it or it's like okay we have to finish it so we can do something else something next the idea I have and I it doesn't feel like something full feeling and I don't know what to do I'm start to feel irritated each day someone talks to me I don't want to see people I'm always tired with f****** brain less sleep more dreams that are so weird that I get tired even more don't know how to and what to do next because in my early relationships are but they got very very bad I don't know I need someone to tell me what to do I can't I can't find the solution for this problem I don't know how and what to do and everybody else is just suggesting push it till you make it or tell me what you need if I would know what to do I will I would not already it's like normal things for me to do just see the problem get to the solution my solution seriously are pretty weird but they are doing the thing so if you have a problem a it is give you a solution to the problem a but it's maybe not ethically appropriate or it's giving up problem B but it still do the job so I don't know and people are saying things to me that I don't even do or maybe I do I just don't see it I don't know I don't have know how to respond to this just tired of being someone else also there's like juggling between the work and the housework and being like stepmom and being myself it's like today I was hearing really good story about the stone stop stove stove top yes like you're burning for Tops and you can burn all you have to choose to do it either one of them because you have the gas only for one and so you have to you have to choose what you will pursue so and the other thing is that I heard the podcast that if you want to start the podcast don't think how you get Michelle Obama but start by just writing a Blog that is like a small smallest smallest smaller version of your problem so start with the small steps sometimes it's so hard to understand what I have to do next because I'm stuck right now I'm trying to finish my learning in curses but I also have a job that I don't like because I don't feel there my fulfillment I don't know why I'm doing that because the inside is not pretty and the things they said in interview are quite opposite and I don't think I fit in there I was trying I was trying to fit in but it's like a house in there that is messed up and I want to like clean it and put it in place also in my own house I have the same situation so I don't have no place where I can be I can feel free and I can be me I always have to change and I don't understand why but I guess it's a bad thinking because I have to find a group or a place to have 15 and my knowledge and my routines are great for them and find purpose I was thinking and completely different why I was thinking like monetizing my life and why I'm the bad one but I guess I have to just find the place where my like I don't know in English how it is but then my while use my values are aligned with that group so we together can't manage to make it better better and better because last days I feel like I'm all alone and I'm helping others to fulfill their dreams and I just see how they buy my encouragement can make it happen and they do it and they have this new car new job or new side job side Hustle but I just have talked ideas and I just looking forward to people too do that but I can't do myself I have many many ideas I can do that that I can change it but right now also I was found and used to do all the things myself I have to manage I have 24 hours a day I have to work 8 hours I have to sleep at least 6:00 if it is great if not okay six will do and everything else between I have to manage the house the cooking the cleaning my hobbies my entertainment everything I and then I was the human that is doing it and if I didn't then I have to blame myself but right now I don't feel that I can trust other people to do that for me because why would they there's no point why other people would like do things for me I don't I can't see that and also other things I have mentioned how I do things when I do things and it works but right now I have to stop and wait when they will be done but I can't I have and sometimes I want to do I don't know house cleaning by 4:00 because at 6:00 I want to go to Reagan and have fun in a concert that I like but I also want company because that's why I was looking for the people to hang out with I have friends that have are busy with child with family and everything else but I was looking for a person that can go with me right now I have a person that has family and can count and don't want or I don't know can go with me and I have to go alone again and then so I'm back to square one and I have to do it alone but that that's what that that wasn't the purpose I would have other people to clean after and take care of I was barely taking care of myself so when I want company I want to do things not not right now wait a little bit not right now wait a little bit it's like 7 years I want to go to this one place that Wednesday is to have to see concert and like for 5 years I want to go to this Lake that have once in a Year song concert on the lake in the morning so I can I can do it by myself but then there's the question why because then I could do it a few years earlier so I don't know I like to be with that person to have fun with those days are so small because all other days are awful I don't know how I don't know why I guess I don't see the purpose that's why I'm struggling to feel good in this result in this relationships I guess this is the question that I have to take because this is the one of question that I have gotten and I need to find answer so I guess this is it we are looking for the answer